Wednesday, July 26, 2017

the bachelorette & the BLOW OFF: episode 9

If this season of the Bachelor proves anything, it's this: Chris Harrison does not need to get paid for being the host of this show. Poor Rachel has been pulling double duty as the host of this show. Harrison has been missing in action throughout the entire season. Where has he been? Three guesses:

#1 In a teepee, doing ayahuasca with a girl he met at Burning Man.
#2 He's actually artificial intelligence and anytime we don't see him on the show, he's getting a software upgrade.
#3 He's rolling around in a room of gold coins, laughing at the fact that he still gets paid a shit-ton of money to make brief appearances to explain one on one dates to America.

Chris Harrison be like:
Personally, I could have really used him to explain to us the significant change this season-- but production let Rachel do his job for him. We learn that pre-fantasy suite dates, the guys will all be in Dallas to meet Rachel's family. This is highly unusual, because the men are usually separated from each other at this point on the show and only the final two meet the bachelorette's family. But since ABC suspected this episode would be virtually drama-free, they needed scenes of Hot Peter and Heart-on-his-sleeve Eric discussing Rachel's strange attraction to mediocre Bryan. I'll get to that soon.

Peter gets the privilege of meeting Rachel's family first. They start the date off by picking out clothes for Rachel's nephew Alistair (who I would very much like to kidnap. He's so freaking cute). I know that criticizing Rachel is as unacceptable as criticizing Beyonce-- but I do have a slight bone to pick-- either with her or the production staff. During Nick's season, Rachel's father also declined to appear on the show. The man is a federal judge and doesn't have time to put up with this bullshit. But I also suspect that he's not too pleased that his daughter (the lawyer) has chosen a path as a reality TV star (even though her role on the show is groundbreaking). It's hard for me to believe that Rachel is totally fine with getting engaged to a man who's never even met her dad. This is obviously a huge sticking point/source of tension for the Lindsay family, but the show completely brushes over it. Maybe I'd be willing to forgive this, except for the fact that they totally exploited Dean's relationship with his dad for entertainment purposes. Couldn't one of the dudes have been like, "I don't really feel comfortable asking you to marry me when your pops doesn't even know who I am." This episode had NO conflict. Who dropped the ball on this??

Anyway. Rachel's family is literally mesmerized by Peter. It's like the world suddenly moves in slow motion for them as soon as he walks through the door. I feel like wherever Peter goes, the song "Magic Man" by Heart plays in the background. Here's a video I discovered of Peter in high school:
Peter's exchange with Rachel's family is relatively uneventful. He does tell Rachel that he's falling in love with her, but admits to Rachel's mom that he's not certain he's going to be ready to get engaged at the end of this journey. Rachel's mom is basically like: "So you're telling me you're a normal, rational, human who doesn't exist in Crazy Town, USA where my formerly bright daughter seems to be residing." She's actually pleased as punch when Peter makes a point of saying that he doesn't feel comfortable asking for Mrs. Lindsay's blessing to ask for Rachel's hand in marriage.

One stray observation-- Rachel has a second sister. Where is she? We glimpsed her in the photo of her other sister's wedding (she looks nearly identical to Rachel), but no one mentioned her and she was nowhere to be found during any of the hometown dates. CONSPIRACY! ALTERNATIVE FACTS! FAKE NEWS MEDIA!

Eric is the next guy to get the opportunity to meet Rachel's family and I might be head over heels in love with him. First off, he has the best style amongst the remaining contestants. Never underestimate a man who can sport skinny sweat pants. Second, he seems to be the most thoughtful and genuine. I actually believe him when he says that all he wants in life is to have a strong family foundation. He uses specifics to explain what he sees in Rachel, and yet it never feels like he's participating in a job interview. I also feel like if Bryan and Peter got the boot, they'd both go on with their lives just fine-- but Eric is truly the one who would get his heart stomped on. Some of Rachel's family members think it's a red flag that he's never been in love and that his longest relationship only lasted eight months. I dunno. He is a dude. He's twenty-nine. Maybe he spent his twenties getting his dick wet and dating around. Why must we be suspect of people who aren't serial monogamists or who don't define their happiness by going from one relationship to the next? Basically, Eric can do no wrong in my eyes and if he doesn't get the final rose, then he better fucking be the next bachelor.
This is me once Eric gets the boot.
He does end up asking Rachel's mom for her blessing and Rachel's mom does sort of give it. She says she trusts her daughter and feels comfortable with whatever decision Rachel makes. It's not exactly a home run, but I can tell she has a soft spot in her heart for vulnerable and sweet Eric.

Honestly though, none of the above even matters because Bryan is 100% the winner at the end of all this. Despite the fact that Peter and Eric both know he's a mediocre douche that dated chicks with fake boobs in Miami-- it appears that Rachel is in love with him. It's Bryan she takes to meet her friends. It's Bryan she defends when her family thinks he's a smooth operator (he is).
It's Bryan she strategically saved to be the last one to meet her family. And as we find out later, it's Bryan who gets the LAST fantasy suite date. To me, this is always the dead giveaway. The person you fuck last is the one you want to end up with.

I can't for the life of me understand it. Where Eric seems sincere and thoughtful, Bryan seems generic and rehearsed. Also, he refers to himself as a "chiropractor physician." I would have loved it if Rachel's Uncle (the anesthesiologist) was like, "douchebag liars say what?" A chiropractor is NOT a physician! They do not go to medical school. They are not required to do a residency in a hospital. They're like one step up from a professional masseuse. Okay, maybe that's unfair-- but there's a reason there's never been a chiropractor character on Grey's Anatomy. There's a reason George Clooney didn't play one on ER. I might be a little bit biased, because when I was eight years old, I was in a car accident and was forced to go to a chiropractor for some weird reason by my parents. All I remember was that he put a scorching hot towel on my back and left the room for forty-five minutes, while my skin burned, and I quietly cried into a pillow-- convinced that no one would ever come get me. And guess what? No one did. I've been writing all of theses recaps from his office. I've been trapped here for 28 years. That hot towel isn't even hot anymore. Send help.

Anyway, I glanced at Bry's instagram and was instantly smothered by douche vibes. We have shirtless selfies. We have him doing the peace sign in photos. We have an overly groomed beard. Upon further digging, it appears Bryan was  also sued for insurance fraud (maybe he's only dating Rachel so she can be his lawyer!). This guy is bad news. Rachel even admits that her first impression of him was that he was a douchebag (and yet. and yet. and yet... she gave him the first impression rose!?) Is anyone out there actually rooting for Bryan? Please explain your love of him in the comments. I don't hate the guy, per se. I just think he belongs on Bachelor in Paradise, making out with Ashley I. and taking her virginity. He does not belong with Queen Rachel. At this point, the only thing that could save her from making the worst decision of her life is if Bry has a small penis.

The true winners of this episode were Rachel's mom and Rachel's sister's maternity wear. I LOVED the way Rachel's mom looked at her like she had just told her that she'd converted to scientology and was seriously considering marrying Tom Cruise on the Freewinds.

After these three dates-- the men heads to Spain where Eric gets the first overnight date. Rachel and him enjoy a classic Bachelorette render vows. A helicopter ride followed by a VERY windy afternoon exploring a gorgeous castle type structure (I don't remember, I'm kind of making that up). Eric continues to say the sweetest things about Rachel and agrees to forego his individual suite to accept Chris Harrison's invitation to spend the night together. Rachel has since claimed that she didn't have sex with all of the guys, but I def picked up morning after vibes. Things between them seemed so natural and easy and I'm gonna be SO sad when she dumps him.

Peter gets the next fantasy suite date. They hang out at a winery, stomp on grapes, talk to a charming old Spaniard, talk to a charming little Spanish girl, and then have a painful debate about the state of their relationship. Rachel thinks they need to get on the same page before the finale (i.e. he needs to propose to her or scram). Peter doesn't budge (because he's beautiful and wants to be the next bachelor), and the episode ends with them at a standstill.

I predict that Eric will be the next to go, because ABC does not want the finale to turn into a race war. Peter will get the boot, because he can't commit. And Bryan will win, because Rachel likes to have her face get eaten during make out sessions, and because she has zero douchebag radar.
This is me after Bryan wins. (Hoping that's puke and not semen)
Until next week when the men tell all special gets everyone feeling sad for Dean and everyone booing Lee Harvey Racist. Can't wait!!


  1. I so want Eric to win! But I am positive it will be Bryan as well.

  2. Can you please move to Lake Placid NY and be best friends with me and all of my other friends who cannot wait for your Hilarious, smart, on-point recaps every week?! Pretty please?!

    1. Haha! I agree with Christina, we have lots of fun girls nights!

    2. These comments truly made my day! I wish I could fly to Lake Placid so we could all watch the finale together! xoxo