Wednesday, March 7, 2018

I can't stop writing about the Bachelor. SEND HELP.

Father, forgive me. It's been EIGHT months since our last blow off post. I've been so busy that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux's divorce couldn't bring me out of my blogging hiatus... but how could I not share my non-expert opinions on the last two episodes of The Bachelor?!

Guys, we may have Arie to thank for resurrecting this site completely.

Yes, I know I didn't recap this season. But I watched. Oh, I watched. Just like the rest of America, I was certain that Becca was a teen runaway and that I'd seen her picture in that Soul Asylum video. I thought Krystal was a combination of every bitch character from every 80s movie, except for the part about her imaginary homeless brother. I thought Bibiana left us far too soon. I tossed and turned at night, wondering why Sienne was a contestant and not married to Chadwick Boseman. I contemplated what would happen if Annaliese was in a bumper car filled with dogs. Most of all, I wondered if Lauren got on the show, because she used to be one of Vanessa's adult special ed students...

But I'm not here to recap the whole season. I'm just here to talk about what a terrible douchebag we got in Arie. We always knew he was the third or fourth choice to be The Bachelor. If we were going to have another white guy, we needed an exceptional one (Peter). We couldn't stomach anymore mediocrity, but alas, that's what we got. For most of the season, Arie was boring. He said "I love that" way too much. His eyes were too small and too close together. He made it clear that he was dumb and not smart enough for people who went to Yale or were in PhD programs. He had a soft spot for  twenty-five year olds. Sure, it was refreshing that he wasn't into God, and I loved the way he laid into Krystal at the Women Tell All... but I think I was just desperate to find something redeeming. I didn't want to believe that so many women would fall in love with a former race car driver, current real estate agent.

By this time, we've all seen the episode. You've probably already read multiple think pieces. We've all debated whether ABC should have aired the footage, etc. So, I won't take up too much of your time. Arie chose Becca K. He stayed engaged to her for a month and a half. He decided he wanted to be with Lauren instead. He broke off his engagement to Becca K, and then he got back together with Lauren. The thirty minutes of unedited break-up footage was both riveting and tough to watch. Tough, because most of us have been Becca at one point or another in our lives. We could relate to the shell-shock, the "don't touch me", the PLEASE LEAVE, the "I feel like my future was ripped away from me." We were also familiar with the expression on Arie's face. The "I don't want to hurt you, but I really want to stick my dick in someone else so I'm gonna have to hurt you." It was PAINFUL. Especially after watching footage of their engagement, Arie asking Becca when they were gonna have babies, the two of them making pizza dough together, which you just don't do with someone unless you're going to stay together FOREVER.

Some of you may think ABC shouldn't have filmed the break-up or aired it, but I strongly disagree. I think they had a moral obligation to show us the footage. Why? Because for the last however many years, they've been feeding us a narrative about love and relationships that is actually fake news. You don't travel the country dating a guy with twenty-five girlfriends, vying for a rose every week, until you get a free engagement ring courtesy of Neil Lane product placement. That is not how love works. Relationships are messy and complicated and people do fucked-up shit to each other. Arie was a bad dude. In the words of my husband, "he went where his boner pointed him." And his boner pointed him to the simpleton, who took him back after ONE phone call.

(Before you tell me it's unfair of me to call Lauren a simpleton, let me remind you that when she appeared on the show last night, Chris Harrison said to her "I can't imagine what's going through your head right now." And she said" "Me Neither." She dumb, guys.)

Also, let's admit that we needed to see Becca ripped in two, so that we could properly root for her now that she's the new bachelorette.

But here's what was lacking from last night's After the Final Rose. Maybe it's because Becca is sticking to the "I'm an amazing human" post-script, maybe it's because people who are religious are more forgiving than bitter and cynical folk like myself, but she was TOO nice to him. I was so dissatisfied by their exchange. I didn't want her to wish him the best. I wanted her to be mad, because that's a completely acceptable emotion after what she'd gone through. Remember how mean Rachel was to Peter, and he didn't really even do anything bad to her? I needed that from Becca. I wanted her to ask why Arie was still in love with the woman he claimed he couldn't even have a conversation with. Sure, Arie's facing the wrath of most of America, but last night, he was left off the hook way too easily. I wish ABC had put him up there with teen Bekah instead, because she would have given him a piece of her mind.
the only just punishment for Arie.
Finally, here's what I don't think ABC should have aired: Arie proposing to Lauren. If he requested it, they should have said,"nah, we're good". Watching the break up and the Lauren/Arie reunion was disturbing enough--- but to watch a girl who's never uttered a complete sentence in her life take back a dude who totally disrespected her? Well, it made me want to drown the world in period blood.

In the end, let us be sad for Lauren and happy for Becca. Lauren will get dumped and may get to spend a couple weeks in Tulum, Mexico with the likes of Canadian Daniel and Jorge the bartender. Becca gets to be the Bachelorette and doesn't have to move to Arizona. Here's hoping that she's learned from this experience and will never make another scrapbook for a man ever again.

Let us also be happy for Jennifer Aniston. She's got a fabulous life and career, and she can catch any D she wants. She's gonna be just fine.


  1. Nice work great to have you back

  2. Was really excited to see this post. We missed your recaps this year!

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